I am grateful to Petit Poussin for putting the idea of an online poetry workshop out there into the Twitter-verse. Her thinking around the vision and purpose of the workshop was/is that, “writing and creating do not happen in a vacuum, and a workshop should take this into account and respond consciously. if we support each other’s work we are supporting our own work and creativity.”
I decided to participate to help with my goal of writing every day and to develop my skills and confidence with poetry. Below is my first poem as part of this workshop. Feedback is encouraged and appreciated. I’m excited to read what the other poets–Kevin Andre, Noemi Martinez, Maegan la Mamita Mala Ortiz and Phyrecracker–come up with.
Okay, so, here it goes:
Forgive me if I remove
these chartreuse-colored glasses.
The way they highlight and blunt,
distort and abstract—
I prefer to see things as they are:
The seagull breaking open a mussel,
dropping it on the cement path below,
swooping to get it;
heaps of sand piled by a tractor combing the surf;
fish guts caked on the pier’s cleaning stations.
Forgive me my over-analysis of process and grit,
my contemplation of the color of water,
the shades of the sky when overcast, sunny.
These details are my burden, my joy.
Same too with living in this body:
freckle to freckle, hair to hair.
The smile that escapes.
The words,
“Forgive me, I do not apologize for myself anymore.”
–
The prompt was an untitled poem by Pablo Neruda.
English translation:
Forgive me if my eyes see
no more clearly than sea foam,
please forgive that my form
grows outward without license
and never stops:
monotonous is my song,
my word is a shadow bird,
fauna of stone and sea, the grief
of a winter planet, incorruptible.
Forgive me this sequence of water,
of rock, of foam, of the tide’s
delirium: this is my loneliness:
salt in sudden leaps against the walls
of my secret being, in such a way
that I am a part
of winter,
of the same flat expanse that repeats
from bell to bell, in wave after wave,
and from a silence like a woman’s hair,
a silence of seaweed, a sunken song.
En español:
Perdón si por mis ojos no llegó
más claridad que la espuma maririai
perdòn porque mi espado
se extiende sin amparo
y no termina:
monótono es mi caneo,
mi palabra es un pájaro sombrío,
fauna de piedra y mar, el desconsuelo
de un plañera invernal, incorruptible.
Perdòn por esta sucesión del agua,
de la roca, la espuma, el desvarío
de la marea: así es mi soledad:
bruscos saltos de sal contra los muros
de mi secreto ser, de tal manera
que yo soy una parte
del invierno,
de la misma extensión que se repite
de campana en campana en tantas olas
y de un silencio como cabellera,
silencio de alga, canto sumergido.
Hola hola. Forgive me for taking so long to give my critique :)
Based on what you asked for in terms of critique and comments, I want to move backwards to your second request/question : I think it flows/transitions nicely. There were three points where I got stuck/had questions.
1: This line : The seagull breaking open a muscle,
Was the spelling choice/word choice of “muscle” vs “mussel” deliberate? I think when spoken it doesn’t matter/feels more open but reading it, I paused- which may be the point! :)
2: fish guts caked on the pier’s cleaning stations
the word guts feels too ugly here to me. I mean guts are ugly pero no se, my mouth wants a prettier word.
3: And finally
Forgive me my over-analysis of process and grit,
in my reading aloud I want to pause after me or get rid of it completely. The use of me and my right next to each other tripped up the flow a bit I thought.
Pero really nice work. Claro I may have missed the point completely in what I raised.
xoxox
Mala
Thanks for your thoughtful response/critique, Mala. The spelling of mussel was, um, accidental–embarrassing as that is to admit! Will think about the other issues as I revise, but am changing the misspelling immediately :)
xoxo,
C
C,
I think the central movement of this poem is lovely – the shift from the world to the body. I would even like to see more of the same careful examination of the speaker’s body that we see with the beach – that image with the seagull is terrific, and I think the poem would benefit something equally powerful to match it towards the poem’s end.
I agree with Mala about some of the word choices – rather than give specific examples, I would do what she did, and try reading it aloud. Find the places where you stumble across the words and rethink their format, where they “highlight and blunt,/ distort and abstract.” (I often find that cutting out prepositions can help the flow of the poem.)
Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem.
xo
at the risk of sounding redundant: reading aloud is a great editing tool and i found this poem has a beautiful sound to it that is similar to the calm intensity i find in the words.
the “chartreuse colored glasses” makes me think that you are narrowly avoiding a cliche. too close for comfort. perhaps revise and go deeper for an image that works?
i think you could say “swooping” instead of “swooping to get it”. simplify to let the reader fill in the rest. Similarly i think you could remove a lot of the “of”s in the poem.
thanks for this,
~anna
“these chartreuse-colored glasses”
I think these can be reworked so it doesn’t sound so close like the phrase you’re trying to avoid.
and here: I prefer to see things as they are, don’t think the words I prefer are needed. Looking at it, it could be omitted since you’re giving very vivid descriptions that don’t gloss over, ie fish guts.
I would take off the /ing here: tractor combing the surf;
I’d also take away: heaps of
I think the suggestion of reading out loud or reciting (in your mind too) would help w/ line spacing and time/structure.
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